Existential Spam Poem: The Soul of This Bag

I follow the call to arms by fellow spam poet Michelle(*)(**). Every time she blogs about spam poetry, I have a spam poem in my drafts folder – so I think I need to release the current one now.

This time I defined the following goals: there should be a topic and a narrative, and the topic should be decided on before creating the poem.

Of course (read my previous posts) my topical choice is: The Meaning of Life. I went for solving all those mysterious questions brought to the table by philosophers in a single spam poem.

So I was searching for powerful existential language in about 160 spam comments.

And then something odd happened. I probably can’t deny having been heavily influenced by Johannes’ pivotal spam poem about a Conversation with God. (That some god seems to have removed from the internet now – in the future.) When I had read his poem I figured: How on earth would you uncover a conversation with god in spam comments?

But when I searched for the ultimate questions and answers in my spam comments I realized that any suitable existential phrase is either

the pompous statement of a

Cult Leader

or  the longing plea of a potential


So I believe Johannes has unlocked what spam comments are really about – once for all.

I am just his disciple.

The soul of this bag

These was the precept we used
Sign up before it is too late

Its like you read my mind!
I have been seeking ages
I wish to apprentice
I’d really love to be a part of community

there are risks
with regards to the dimensional finely-detailed of the pieces

Please let me know where you got your design
that could give instant relief

seek out stableness and quiet
the things that you ought to perform right away
It’s very effortless

so here it occurs
your broadcast offered bright clear idea
Your favorite justification

These are actually enormous ideas
how a user can understand it.

I know this is totally off topic
you suspect that your method has become infected
is it a issue on my end?
how could we be in contact?

this type of discussion is futile
it’s time to be happy
I’ve added you

New readers: You find a primer on the history of spam poetry and related links below my previous spam poem. Let’s also welcome a new shining star in the community of spam poets – I haven’t been aware of this blog until Michelle pointed me to John’s spam poems:

Poetry From The Spam Filter: Seven
(Voice from the future – blog offline now)

John even gives sublime audio performances of his poems – though I had always imagined my spam poems would be read by somebody with a British accent, Monthy Python style. I would like to hire John Cleese!

(*) Update – Breaking news:

Michelle’s freshly minted, enigmatic spam poem: Wisdom from the Spam-Master: Coded Secrets, Ozone Conspiracy (**)

(**) Voice from the future – blog post not available anymore.

12 Comments Add yours

  1. And my goodness, I have never even considered myself worthy of disciples! Nor has my writing ever been called ‘pivotal’. Both in one post! My ego is swollen –but it is a grateful swelling.

    1. elkement says:

      Seriously – your spam poem was so great as I really believe it could be “mistaken for art” or probably it really is. I just left a comment and a question on Michelle’s blog – about satirical ridicule of postmodern, intellectual art (or whatever the technical term is) and how comedians deliberately delude their so-called intellectual critics. That satire is art in my opinion, too.
      I had this in mind when commenting on your deconstruction of Ke$ha, as I really believe you might find some audience that would consider that serious analysis.
      I would be very much interested in your opinion on that. Here is the link to that thread: http://mhatzel.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/spam-poem-riddled-wisdom/comment-page-1/#comment-664
      If this is interesting to you as well, I would enjoy a future blog posting of yours about that.

  2. This is awesome! I really enjoy the dialogue based spam poetry. Those last lines — ‘I’ve added you’ in particular –ring like something out of a cyber horror movie: Social networking gone terribly awry. Technological singularity. The machines are coming, the machines are coming!

    1. elkement says:

      You really got the message, Johannes!! I also did like “I have added you” and this line was crucial.
      I was thinking about The Borg assimilating another culture, stating:
      “Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us.”

  3. M. Hatzel says:

    Your poem is filled with eerie supplication; I think it very apt that you pose the question, cult leader, or disciple?

    I have been pondering your poem all day, and have decided that WordPress needs to change the word “followers” to readers or subscribers. Do you know of any start-up petition where I can add my signature? I merely want to prompt bloggers away from becoming thought of as an unlicensed pseudo-culture group. :)

    1. elkement says:

      (Now two different instances of ourselves are discussing in parallel in two different instances of the multi-verse.)
      :-D There are some crowd sourcing platforms, Kickstarter and Indigogo… but wait, this proposal is not a project?
      Probably a Facebook page would be the best thing to do – I will like it!
      Now I see my Twitter followers in a completely new way! But seriously, I believe you would find some over-sensitive politician or sociologist who might care about that insensitive use of language on social media!

      1. M. Hatzel says:

        I feel like I am caught in something like a time travel paradox, reading between these two comment streams: I am meeting myself coming out the door. I hope you’ll crack the spammer code; if you do then I know “it is real” and the message holds truth!

        1. elkement says:

          I think the only appropriate way to make the wave function collapse now is to add some praise my spammers sent me today:
          Wonderful beat!
          people can take a signal
          What a material of un-ambiguity
          You managed to hit the nail upon the top

          1. M. Hatzel says:

            That’s awesome! :)

    1. elkement says:

      This was serendipity – the poem was fortunately nearly finished when the BLAHS rumors turned into a tsunami. I needed to make the front page of this blog customer …uhm… geek-ready.

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